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So Much Stuff I Can't Recall

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Household Uses for Brenda Coulter's Forthcoming Novel, A Family Forever V: The Continuationing

Well, people, we're coming down the home stretch here. If you haven't found uses for a dozen copies of Brenda Coulter's forthcoming novel, A Family Forever, you're not even trying. Get with the program as you consider:

The Penultimate 17 Household Uses for Brenda Coulter's Forthcoming Novel, A Family Forever
  1. Place on bookshelf so you can make snooty comment about having bought it before it became popular Oprah book choice or Lifetime Channel movie-of-the-week.
  2. Use as dustpan if you're not sweeping up all that much dust.
  3. Keep tented on nightstand so you can appear to have been up reading when teenager comes home at 3 a.m.
  4. Use as wheel chock for lightweight convertible when changing the oil.
  5. Keep on hand in case book-burning comes back in vogue and the cute girl/guy you want to chat up is going.
  6. Place in Halo-2 box as gag gift for your son's birthday party.
  7. Hold tightly for fifteen minutes to boost estrogen levels while undergoing hormone replacement therapy.
  8. Place on top of shaving kit when you visit parents for the holidays so they'll assume you're gay and stop setting you up with ill-considered daughters of friends from the office, church or bridge club.
  9. When arranging books by spine color, use to fill out the beginning of the spectrum.
  10. Train dog to balance book on nose, get on Letterman, go on to superstardom.
  11. Place several copies in toilet tank to conserve water/reduce water flow.
  12. Use as ping-pong racquet after demolishing actual racquet in amazing forehand smash maneuver.
  13. Trick-out with LEDs to enhance your uber-modder lifestyle.
  14. Buy clock kit at craft store, assemble clock using cover as the face, sell at flea market.
  15. Use signature inside autographed copy to forge checks and send crank letters to the editor.
  16. Stick used chewing gum between pages to break habit of sticking gum under tables.
  17. Copy passages wholesale to bump up the wordcount in your own manuscript.

Mikesell

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